There was a loaf of zucchini bread on the counter, chock full of healthy vegetable goodness. Next to it a bowl of homemade banana pudding, sprinkled with almonds, and packed with vitamins. On the other side sat whole wheat muffins stuffed with cranberries and blueberries.

My kids?

They stuffed themselves full of chocolate chip cookies and cupcakes drowning in frosting. Then topped it off with red dye flooded fake juice. They waxed poetic about mini chocolate bars and butterscotch candies. They zoned out on the couch with video games and classic cartoons packed with violence. They tried to skip the stuffing in exchange for another slice of cake.

And I fielded questions about what they eat at home, how much TV do they usually watch, and why is your son still so damn skinny? Oh, and when are you going to put your kids in public school like a normal person?

Cue the disapproving looks.

Holidays are even more fun when you’re the bad mom that everyone loves to hate. But at least the socks they got me are warm. That counts for something, right?