I’m writing this from the bathroom, where I have camped out. I have a chocolate bar, a soda, and the laptop. Oh, and I’ve locked the door.

Outside, my middle child is throwing a fit. There’s another bathroom, don’t worry. He’s just mad that he can no longer scream in my face. Too bad, so sad. Inside the peace of the bathroom mommy can enjoy her guilty pleasures without sharing, without answering a dozen questions, and without being forced to pop the wheels back on that damn yellow car for the billionth fucking time since you got it.

Hi, I’m a bad mommy, but you can call me Summer. I play Rancid instead of Raffi during long car trips, and I swear to god if I have to play Candy Land one more time I’m going to stick a fork in my eye. Oh, and where my kids totally learned to say “Fuck it”? Yeah, that was me. Sorry for inadvertently passing that one on to your little angels.

I’m one of the new writers here at Bad Mommy Blogger, sharing the tales of mothering badly.

This is my very first post here, so I figured I would formally introduce myself to my fellow BMBs and readers.

I’m Devilish Southern Belle.  Pleased to meet you!  If interested, you can learn more about me on our “Who We Are” page.

So why Bad Mommy Blogger?  Well, I am pretty sure I came across it via Sara’s blog, and then was transfixed by the posts here. And I feel like April could be a long-lost sister, too! Really, though, I have a lot of reasons.  Maybe I will get around to blogging about them individually one of these days.  But I secured the title of Bad Mommy years ago, when my now-teenaged sons were little.

It all began with the anti-typical (but not really, I’ve come to find out since then) bedtime routines.  I’ve made excellent use of swings, tv, and movies over the years to lull my sons to sleep after I’d tried everything else.  I would get disgusted looks, so I learned to be really careful who I discussed my children with. And for what it was worth, I wasn’t entirely comfortable with it. But with a (now ex) husband who was spending money faster than we both could make it, staying up all night entertaining infants and toddlers was not an option.  I could not afford to quit or lose my job and stay home, so I had to do whatever else I could to make sure we all slept.

As for the tv in later years?  Pshaw.  After our hour-long routine, if I needed to (and I often did!) I’d put one of their favorite movies on for them to watch with the condition that they lie down quietly.  Within 30 minutes, they’d be asleep, and I’d turn it off.  I guess I failed to see the big deal. And it’s truly not a big deal now that they are nearly adults.

Since then, I’ve parented according to my own standards and no one else’s.  Sure, sometimes my decisions have come back to bite me in the ass.  But mostly, it works.  If  it is one thing I’ve learned from navigating these murky waters of parenthood, it’s that you have to find what works for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.  As I do with mine.  If others don’t think I’m doing a good enough job, then it really is their problem.  (Unless they try to school me.  Then it’s ON!)

Photo from Ernst Vikne via Flickr

Ok, it’s time for April to get REALLY bad. I’m not going to sugarcoat it or dance around the topic and make vague references like everything is a big secret.

Some psycho with nothing better to do with her free time has decided to be a real pain in the ass here at BMB. And, damnit, it’s MY site and I’m not having it.

Comments are being moderated. IPs are being recorded. If this shit keeps up, IP addresses WILL be banned.

If you don’t like what’s being said here, I’ve got one very small yet powerful piece of advice for you… DON’T FUCKING READ IT.

If you are having comprehension difficulties, feel free to email me and I’ll explain to you just how to close your damn browser window and turn off your freakin’ computer.

Now….where were we?

We’re getting ready to re-launch Bad Mommy Blogger and we need YOU to write for us. Whether you’re a new Mom Blogger trying to get some exposure or an experienced Mom Blogger who needs a place to escape, WE NEED YOU!

All 3 of our editors – April, Jenny, Sara – had some major life stuff going on right after we launched. (Ya know, shit like divorces, custody battles, babies….) So BMB went stale. And that sucks. So now it’s time to make a comeback.

Interested? Send an email to admin at badmommyblogger.com

OMG I missed you people! Seriously. I’ve been on kind of a hiatus, coping with some medical issues, but I’m getting back on track now and I’ve got so much to post about! But for now I just wanted to apologize to my editors and readers for being MIA for the past few weeks.

Did ya miss me much??

We had well over 100 entries in the ‘Vibrators Never Ask For Blowjobs’ giveway, and last night we got to announce the winner live on the first ever Bad Mommy Blogger radio show! We had such a great time, so be sure to take a listen, and subscribe in iTunes to get regular show updates.

Congratulations to Lee from MySentimentsExactLee for being the big winner in our drawing! At least three Bad Mommy Bloggers here are insanely jealous, but we wish you lots of..ummm..happiness with your prize!

Thank you also to Eden Fantasys for sponsoring such an amazing prize package! We hope that even if you didn’t win, you’ll head over and visit them for all your adult toy needs. They have a fantastic selection of erotic gifts, and what better way to treat yourself this Valentine’s Day?

Sara is a blogger in south Alabama who currently spends her time taking care of her trio of Satan’s spawn and plotting world domination through her personal blog, Suburban Oblivion.

Update: Comments are closed and I’ll just match up random entrants with random prizes. Since we had 16 comments and 14 prizes, I’m throwing in another prize of 2 custom Twitter backgrounds designed by yours truly.

So keep your eyes out for an email from me to find out what you won. Thanks!! -April

Well clearly the “Mom blog giveaway” market has a serious hole in it based on the number of entries in our adult toy giveaway. I tell ya, the only other times I’ve seen a response like that is when somebody gives away a Flip camcorder or a Wii Fit. (By the way, if any PR companies are listening, I’d be more than happy to try one of those babies out for ya. Just sayin’….)

Ok, now that the big vibrator giveaway is winding down….wait….I don’t mean the vibrator is big, I mean the vibrator giveaway is…well, screw it you know what I mean…

Anyway, now that the excitement is winding down, I need you ladies to get to typing and enter for some more prizes.

Now since I sat on my ass was busy with a few projects this week, I didn’t spread these out like I had planned on and I didn’t want these prizes to be overshadowed by the big…..nevermind, I’m not explaining that one again.

So here’s the plan. Leave a comment on this post letting us know why you love Bad Mommy Blogger. Tell us what you think so far. Let us know what you’d like to see more of. Let us know if you plan on joining us tomorrow night for our Blog Talk Radio show and if you’d be interested in tuning in every month for a new show. Tell us if you plan on buying some BMB gear in the Bad Mommy Blogger shop on Cafe Press. Tell me if you heard about us on Profitable Mommy Blogging.

Do you see where I’m going with this? I don’t care what you say in your comment, just say something so we know you wanna win. We’ll take comments all weekend long, until Sunday night.

Ok, now for the list of prizes:

• Kelly McCausey is giving away her Internet Writer’s Bundle ($49.97)and a Breakthrough Brainstorming Coaching Package ($99) from MomsTalk Biz.
• Homer Smith is donating TWO prize packages: a gift certificate for 10 Greeting Cards w/ postage and another gift certificate for 5 cards with postage from Homer’s Cards.
• Coach Kirstie Gillon-Wood of 90 Degree Coaching has offered her Confidence e-course
• Barbara Ryan, another Twitter friend is giving away one of her gorgeous custom photo collage designs from Cherish Collages
• Patty of LittleBytesNews is offering free ad space for one month on one of her sites, Little Bytes News or Gifts Party Supplies and More
• 52Teas will be donating a free 6 week subscription to their yummy Teas of the Week plan
• Laurie Ayers is giving one of our lucky readers a Scentsy Deluxe Warmer and Candle Bar ($35 value)
• Courtney Chowning has offered free ad space on Mom Giveaways
• Life coach Aurelia Williams is contributing 2 reports from her Real Life Guidance program
• And we have TWO Avon gift packages (see photos below):
• Adrienne donated a set of Avon’s Anew line of skin care products
• Alpha’s gift set contains a beauty bag with AVON naturals shower gel, lotion, and body
  spray in pomegranate and mango scent

Avon Anew set from Adrienne

Avon Naturals Pomegranate & Mango set from Alpha

That’s a LOT of stuff! And I want y’all to help me thank everyone who was generous enough to donate their products and services and brave enough to be associated with Bad Mommy Blogger. Visit their sites, book mark ‘em, buy stuff. Tell ‘em BMB sent you.

Oh and if you signed up for the newsletter (thanks!!), keep your panties on – I’ll be getting the first one sent out tonight.

I feel like I’m forgetting something. Oh wait, I remember! Buttons! If you wanna show some BMB love, grab one of these buttons for your sidebar.

Wow…If I have learned anything this week, it’s that no matter how clever I think I am, you guys are FAR better than I will ever be. I would write a post about sex toys every day for the rest of my life if it meant getting to read daily the gems I’ve seen in the entries of the Vibrators Never Ask for Blowjobs Giveaway post.You guys are hilarious, and I truly encourage each and every one of you to submit a reader confession or three because I have a feeling you have a LOT on your minds!

If you haven’t read them yet, some of my favorites so far for why you guys feel you deserve to win the kick-ass sex toy package we are sending one lucky winner-

“Because I had sex 4 times last year. And I’m married.”

“I should win because I’m a sex toy virgin. Seriously. LOL”

“Because we can all use a little “me” time and it’s all great for “us” time too.”

“My favorite vibrator broke about 3 months ago. “  (Editor’s note- SEVERAL of you cited breaking your toys as a reason! Ride on ladies! Whoohoo!  ~Sara)

“To (quite inappropriately) steal a phrase from my two year old….because sometimes I just wanna do it MYSELF!!”

“I deserve this because I’ve always considered trying “toys” but have never had the nerve to buy them. It would be much better if they just “arrived” at my door one day! “

“Because I’m Mormon.”

You guys are amazing, and thank you to each and every person who has entered so far. If you haven’t, head over to the contest post now, as we will be taking entries until Friday. Leave a comment to enter, and remember, subscribing to the newsletter gets you a bonus entry!

If you haven’t yet, also be sure to head by the sponsor site, Eden Fantasys! They have an amazing selection of adult gifts, and there is something for every budget. Send your hubby or shop for yourself, as the Bad Girl knows you don’t need a man to enjoy a sensual gift to the fullest

Sara is a blogger in south Alabama who currently spends her time taking care of her trio of Satan’s spawn and plotting world domination through her personal blog, Suburban Oblivion.

In honor of our site launch, the Bad Mommy Bloggers decided to get together and come up with the biggest, baddest giveaway ever. We want to make you blissful. Scratch that, we want to make you positively orgasmic. We want you to ooohh and ahhh and ohhhh! over this contest. We want to make you double-click your mouse in excitement. We want to give you the kind of pleasure your man only thinks he’s giving you thanks to that Oscar-worthy performance you’ve perfected.

In true Bad Mommy Blogger style, we are thrilled to present the ‘Vibrators Never Ask For Blowjobs‘ giveaway, sponsored by Eden Fantasys.  The true Bad Mommy Blogger knows there’s nothing wrong with loving yourself, and we are looking to give one lucky winner $115 worth of sensual gifts. That’s a wholllllllle lotta self-love!

Want to know what you are getting?

Hot Pink Lover’s Kit- It comes with sleeves, making it a multi-tasker.
http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/vibrator-kits-sleeves/hot-pink-lovers-kit

Double Power Dolphin- Doesn’t ignore the key area, the Bad Girl knows trying it backwards could be even more fun, and with two vibrating spots on it, it’s a sure pleaser.
http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/rabbit-vibrators/double-power-dolphin

Maia Lipstick Vibe- An adult gift discreet enough to keep in your purse, and quiet enough to use away from home, if you dare
http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/discreet-vibrators/maia

Forbidden Flowers book- A book of erotic fantasies to fuel the brain and the libido.
http://www.edenfantasys.com/forbidden-flowers/adult-toys-dvds-20375

Pink Hearts Divine Toybox- Keep your treasures under lock and key, and away from little hands!
http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-accessories/sex-toy-storage/devine-toy-box-pink-hearts

and finally, not leave out the man in your life-

Mouth Palm Pal- Next time he asks you to “Kiss it good morning”, hand him this and tell him have at it, you’ve got better things to do
http://www.edenfantasys.com/masturbators/blow-job-imitators/mouth-palm-pal

How to enter-

Leave a comment on this post with your email address in the field, and tell us why you deserve to win this amazing package.  Signing up for the Bad Mommy Blogger newsletter(top right corner of the page) will get you a bonus entry, but make sure you use the same email address on both your comment and your newsletter sign-up.

Winner will be picked randomly and announced live on BlogTalk Radio on the first Bad Mommy Blogger podcast at 10pm ET, 9PM CT.

Best of luck!

Sara is a blogger in south Alabama who currently spends her time taking care of her trio of Satan’s spawn and plotting world domination through her personal blog, Suburban Oblivion.

I’ve been teasing and hinting about the list of prizes we’ll be giving away during launch week – which starts TOMORROW – but I don’t think I can milk it any longer. So here’s what we’ve got so far:

• Kelly McCausey is giving away her Internet Writer’s Bundle ($49.97)and a Breakthrough Brainstorming Coaching Package ($99) from MomsTalk Biz.
• Homer Smith is donating TWO prize packages: a gift certificate for 10 Greeting Cards w/ postage and another gift certificate for 5 cards with postage from Homer’s Cards.
• Coach Kirstie Gillon-Wood of 90 Degree Coaching has offered her Confidence e-course
• My Twitter friends Adrienne and DarkFairyMomma are both donating Avon products
• Barbara Ryan, another Twitter friend is giving away one of her gorgeous custom photo collage designs from Cherish Collages
• Patty of LittleBytesNews is offering free ad space on one of her blogs
• 52Teas will be donating some of their delicious teas
• Laurie Ayers is giving one of our lucky readers a Scentsy Deluxe Warmer and Candle Bar ($35 value)
• Courtney Chowning has offered free ad space on Mom Giveaways
• Life coach Aurelia Williams is contributing 2 reports from her Real Life Guidance program

And we have one big announcement about a really exciting giveaway that is going to rock your pants off….literally! But we’re saving those details for later.