Photo from Ernst Vikne via Flickr

Ok, it’s time for April to get REALLY bad. I’m not going to sugarcoat it or dance around the topic and make vague references like everything is a big secret.

Some psycho with nothing better to do with her free time has decided to be a real pain in the ass here at BMB. And, damnit, it’s MY site and I’m not having it.

Comments are being moderated. IPs are being recorded. If this shit keeps up, IP addresses WILL be banned.

If you don’t like what’s being said here, I’ve got one very small yet powerful piece of advice for you… DON’T FUCKING READ IT.

If you are having comprehension difficulties, feel free to email me and I’ll explain to you just how to close your damn browser window and turn off your freakin’ computer.

Now….where were we?

I know you love ‘Twilight’ and boys that sparkle. You’ve posted about it, you’ve left comments. But, really, is THIS necessary? (Link is NSFW and don’t click it with kids or a nosy husband around unless you’re prepared to deal with being nagged for sex for the next few hours. From the husband, I mean.)

In case you can’t open that link at the moment, what you’re missing is a cold, sparkly d!ldo.

Really?

I mean, would you really get the sensation of being penetrated by a scruffy, meticulously tousled teenager if you bought one of these? And if you said “yes” then my next question would be “What is wrong with you?”

I know, I know. I shouldn’t judge. Actually, what’s even more disappointing is this:

• Length: 6.75″ Diameter: 1.55″

Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. If I’m going to risk my mortal life for sex, it’s gonna have to be for more than 6.75 inches. I prefer having my bloodsucker’s super sized. I’d put money on it that Eric the Viking is packing at least 7.

Did I mention that it’s COLD? Just pop that baby in the fridge – try explaining that to the hubby and kids – for what the website says is an “authentic experience.” As if there’s anything authentic about fucking a dead guy…

Hey Tantus? You really wanna get my attention? Make a Fantastic Four vibrator. Something hard like The Thing, warm like the Human Torch, easily concealed like the Invisible Woman, and that stretches to any length like Mr. Fantastic.