Right now I’m going through a separation from my husband and I live with my Mother and Step-Dad. I’m thankful to them for all they’ve done for me and basically don’t “talk back” or argue over anything.

Recently my Step-Dad became unemployed so he’s home the entire day. This has become a point of stress for both myself and my child. See my Step-Dad doesn’t know how to talk softly and not seem as if he’s yelling. He is very demanding as well, wanting every toy picked up right away, and no doing it in an hour is not okay.

I do ask my child to clean up her toys, but I don’t ask her to do it right as she finishes with one because she goes between toys. So she may play with Toy A for ten minutes and then move on to Toy B for five and return to Toy A. She cleans up when she’s done playing in general.

But he’s constantly bossing her around. Also he’s really focused on food. I’ve tried to tell them to not worry about how she eats, her blood sugar is fine (she has a disorder called Hyperinsulinism). But he is so concerned about how much she eats and how often she eats that I’m afraid it’s going to lead to some issues for her.

But I don’t say anything, except on the food issue because I don’t like forcing my child to eat beyond her full point.

I just wish he would stop being so demanding on her. She’s just 3.

Pamala @ http://www.becauseishouldcare.com

me.

For being such a dipshit that I couldn’t get my mouth to form the word “NO” when asked if I would babysit for a spunky, opinionated 3 year old.

I’m a decent babysitter, if they are of a certain age. The age that doesn’t require a constant, vigilant eye to catch the little turds before they start themselves or the house on fire.

But I just couldn’t say “No”. I couldn’t just mouth that one word that would have saved me from this horrible despair that is life with a toddler. And for three fucking days I agreed to this.

Things probably wouldn’t be so bad if the mother of this little angel didn’t think it was wise to lay down with the child every night in order to get her to go to sleep. What kind of a life does this woman lead? I mean we all know that by the end of  a long day, the very act of getting horizontal elicits instant slumber. So why would you make it a point to train the child that going to sleep requires mommy laying next to you for several minutes. Because where I come from, this usually mean that mommy is asleep before that kid is 9 times out of 10.

So I just spent over an hour laying with a dear sweet kid, in the dark, counting all the things I could be doing to get my house ready for the morning spectacular, waiting for the breathing to become regular, for the restless little body to stop moving and for the sweet sound of little kid snoring.

The only thing that kept me awake was the conversation I am planning on having with this child’s mother when she returns in a few days. It will go something like this….

I know you are single right now and your child is all you have to live for, but trust me when I say that in the future there will be another man (or woman) who you will want to spend your short, precious evenings with, perhaps even get naked with. But this will not be a reality because you have trained your child to only sleep when your body is nuzzled up against hers. Nothing kills passion like a kid that won’t go to sleep. So start now, work on it every night, and although it may seem hard at first, life is better when you sleep in your bed sans the kid.

But who knows, maybe its just me. Perhaps I’m just the only parent that thinks my kid sleeping with me when they are over 2  is just creepy. But I like my adult time, and in this world that time occurs after the kids go to sleep. In their own beds. Alone.

Between morning sickness and now this raging cold I have my poor kids are going to think I have some chronic illness. I knew it was bad when I was laying like a beached whale resting on the couch and my 3yo came up and said,

“Does your tummy hurt today mommy?”

I said, “No honey, mama’s ear hurts.”

Her delightful reply, “You’re broken all over!” (followed by the cute/evil giggles that toddlers rock out like no one else.)

Well…maybe if you didn’t bring all those germs home from school I wouldn’t have gotten sick twice in the last month!

In other news, because of the nausea and the viruses that have been trolling our house since the beginning of preschool, I have not been in any condition to cook every meal.

I’m proud to say that both my girls are perfectly capable of going in the fridge and getting out yogurt or fruit (or a banana off the kitchen table) as a snack if they are hungry and I’m too achy to move. I want to bring down the granola bars too but I’m afraid they will eat the whole box in one day.

Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if they did eat a whole box of granola bars – but I’m trying to keep my guilt at bay by comforting myself with “It’s yogurt and fruit…totally healthy…I’m teaching my children habits for a lifetime…”

Whatever. I just need a nap.

What do you do when you’re sick? Give the kids easy food? Get up and cook no matter how icky you feel?

If you’ve had kids, at some point you’ve asked yourself, “What is this crap they are watching?????”

I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere along the line, kids’ tv shows have gone down the toilet. We grew up on what today would likely be considered slapstick comedy. Yeah it was violent(Tom and Jerry anyone?), but at least the characters weren’t annoying.

The stuff my kids watch? The characters are for the most part rude, whiney, and just generally aggravating little shits. As I sit here typing this my oldest is watching something called The  Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. The entire basis of this episode   is there is a ghost going around farting, pretty much continuously  the entire 15 minutes. I’m pretty sure Guantanimo detainees aren’t subjected to this sort of torture.

Other shows that make me want to drive a screwdriver into my eyeballs, in no particular order…

• Spongebob Sqarepants- The voice alone is like nails on a chalkboard, the laugh turns it into actual metal nails on a chalkboard, times 100.
• Caillou – How old is this kid supposed to be?? My 4 year old doesn’t whine this much, and if he did he’d be doing it somewhere far, far away. Like Alaska.
• Wonderpets- Watch this once and tell me that damn duck doesn’t need some serious speech therapy.
• Lazytown- I’m hardpressed to decide which drives me crazier, Stephanie’s singing or the damn pedophile-looking ‘bad’ character who ultimately ends up her friend no matter what he does.
• The Backyardigans- No one should sing that much. Ever.

So tell me, what kids shows push you to the brink of actually considering participating in TV Turnoff Week, so long as you have a decent stash of alcohol to survive it?

Sara is a blogger in south Alabama who currently spends her time taking care of her trio of Satan’s spawn and plotting world domination through her personal blog, Suburban Oblivion.

Kids are great for all kinds of things- taking out the trash, killing bugs, and reaching those moldy scraps of god-only-knows-what underneath the couch. They are like a virtual Swiss Army Knife, if only a Swiss Army Knife had the power to get you out of social events you really don’t want to attend. (Don’t want to go to your 5th cousin twice removed’s dog’s birthday party? “Oh, I’m so sorry, but Junior has the flu! Yes, the third time in a month, isn’t it terrible?”.)

Of all the things we use our kids for, my personal favorite has always been a good laugh at their expense. I have stories about my kids that I will be telling every date they ever bring home. And the blackmail potential? *Insert evil cackle* How can you not plan to use and exploit the only bit of power you will have over them once they hit the “I’m 16 and way smarter than you will ever be, dumbass!” age?

Future malevolence aside, laughing at my kids tends to provide a certain amount of…shall we say, therapy?, on days when I might otherwise be tempted to experiment with the theory of mammals eating their young. As angry as I may be about my two youngest fighting non-stop over everything from toys to the very air they breathe, even I can’t help but giggle when I have to break up an argument over whether or not the girl dog has a pee-pee. Even the most innocent game of horsey gone wrong turns into bad comedy when I find myself telling one of the boys to quit riding his sister. (There’s an opportunity for an Alabama joke there, but I’ll skip it this time.) And the day my then 3 year old decided to whip it out and pee on his sister’s leg? Forget it. I was a goner.  Stupid, immature, whatever word you want to use to describe the mother who laughed her ass off when she should have been yelling, I was it that day.

They say laughter is the best medicine, but I’m convinced in the case of parenting, laughter can also be the best preventative medicine.  If you can’t beat them, you might as well laugh at them. It’s healthier for everyone, and sooo rewarding in the long run, especially come prom time.

Sara is a blogger in south Alabama who currently spends her time taking care of her trio of Satan’s spawn and plotting world domination through her personal blog, Suburban Oblivion.